Love and Hope

Why is it that every time something good happens to me I have to go and bugger it up some how? Every small bit of something good in my life is always torn away from me as soon I get it. Its like I’m not meant to have a chance, like I’ve done something wrong and don’t deserve any thing good in my life. For every smile or tinge of joy I have a must be penalized with 100 tears of pain and torture. I’m always punished just for trying to survive that little bit better, just for trying to live and be happy like others do.

But it seems to me that that is not allowed. I am not allowed to have a happy decent life without suffering and pain. I must continue like this until I die. Always losing everything I ever have, every person who’s ever loved me, every job that’s bought me something good. I feel as if every fibre of my being is slowly being selfishly pulled away until there will be nothing left apart from cold hard heart that believes in nothing and nobody. The day I become like that is the day I can no longer carry on. If death has not reached me by then, I will have to bring it to me my self. But not yet, I will know when I have reached that point but I still have my heart and my head and as long as I have that I’ll be o.k.

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Well, in case you haven’t realized I no longer have that comforting, well-paid, long-term job. Everything was going fine there, or so I thought, I was just beginning to settle down nicely and then suddenly out of the blue I was told I’d have to go. They didn’t have a reason, and the admitted that! All I know is that a customer complained and so I had to leave. Can you honestly believe that? Someone complained – so I had to go! Did they not realise what they are doing to me by doing that? No, probably not. People normally don’t. They’re too wrapped up in their own little world to even notice other people or how their actions might just affect somebody? But then again even if they did notice they wouldn’t even care. To them I’m just a useless piece of nothing not even worth bothering about.

And yet again I find myself in the same position as I was only a few months ago. Starving, cold, without a job, lonely, scared, confused and anxious. But this time I have to try something else. First I’m going to change my name to Daisy Renton, after my mother before she was married. I know she was never too lucky in life, like me, but having a different name may find another way of living. I have stopped being Eva Smith, always looking for a job, and have become Daisy Renton, with other ideas.

I overheard a lady the other day, talking about the’ Stalls Bar’ at the Palace Variety Theatre in Brumley. Well, she was saying how it’s a favourite haunt of women of the town and that a lot of men go there. Oh god, ‘women of the town’ they are the disgusting, filthy, worst looked upon girls, and here I am thinking about sinking that low and becoming one. Imagine the kind of men that go there? But what choice do I have? What other options that I haven’t tried are left? There is nothing else I can do, nothing. I never thought things could ever get this bad, but they have, and now I must deal with it some way or another and the only way I can see is to become one of these women of the town.

Imagine if my parents could see me right now, or even auntie Jayne. What would they say? They’d be disappointed, ashamed, disgraced, embarrassed, that they had any thing to do with a girl of my kind. A woman of the town, who couldn’t even keep a good job, who failed in every way possible. Well, I am what I am and there is nothing I can do about. The best I can do is take each day as it comes and except it at that. Tomorrow I shall go down there and see if they will take me.

At last I have found a man who cares and loves me and treats me like a wonderful being! Gerald Croft. He’s a well-bred respectable man, tall and handsome and ever so generous and warm. He makes me feel the happiest I have ever been and every moment I spend with him I feel like as if I’m glowing with joy. He’s like a wonderful fairy prince who’s picked me up and carried me into the sunset away from all my old life, away from all the pain and struggle, into a new world that I’ve never visited before. Every time he holds me close everything seems to fall away and all can think about is him and me and the moment we are sharing together. I feel like I’m living in dream, where nothing and nobody can hurt me, no one can destroy my small fragile life, where I no longer have to go to bed starving and cold, wondering if I’ll make it through the next day because I’m now protected by my shining night in armour.

I owe him so much for taking me away from that miserable bar with all those hard-eyed dough-faced women and the horrible, repulsive goggle-eyed men that used to reek of god knows what. He saved me and let me live in these wonderful little set of rooms and asked for nothing in return, he even gives money to me through the weeks. At first I was suspicious of why he was doing this for me as, I did meet him at the bar, and so I asked him this but he simply replied by saying he was madly in love with me and only wanted the best he could give for his little Daisy. Oh, he is the best thing I could have ever wished for, and I can’t imagine how I could survive if he ever left me. It seems to good to last.

How could I have ever been so stupid to expect it to last? Did I really think that I could’ve stayed that happy forever? No, of course not. Thinking about it now, I don’t really blame him. He was sure to get bored of me sooner or later. Why would such a well-bred man like Gerald stay with a girl like me? I guess I knew quite a while ago that it as coming to an end but I didn’t quite want to believe it. I tried to deny the pain that I knew was coming hoping that I could pause time and stay happy for ever but what chances of that happening do I have. Something good always comes with something bad and in my case it meant losing him forever. He’s gone and so has all the happiness, trust, hope and love that he bought with him and there is no way I can ever bring that or him back.

I still look back fondly on all the great times we shared together and the things he taught and gave me. These weren’t material things like money or food but things like Love and Hope. Things I hadn’t really experienced before. Even though I no longer have them I still know what it was like to feel them. I need to go away though, somewhere quite and calm, and remember ‘just to make it last longer’. I don’t think there will ever be anything as good for me again so I have to make it last longer. I fell in love and that will always be a part of me. Maybe the memories of how I felt when I was with him will give me the hope to carry on, but I do not know what will happen to me now.

My heart that was before life pumping, warm source of love is now an empty, lifeless, stone cold cauldron. Gerald was the world to me and now he’s gone I am lost, floating in an empty dark space, lonely and confused. I have almost lost the will to live any more. Its funny how I used to be scared of death, but now it is almost comforting. I know it would take me to a place where no one can hurt me any more, no one can punish me and make me lose the things that meant most to me. I would be safe from all the suffering in the world, and would finally join the people that loved me most.

But for the mean time all I know is that I must get away. I must leave Brumley for a while and come back when I am ready. I do not know where I am going, somewhere near the seaside maybe. Somewhere where I can breathe and decide what I shall do next. I fear though, that I may have finally reached the end. I have lost my heart and soul and I always said to myself that when I reached this point I would know I have nothing left to carry on living for. Maybe I will have to return to bar and go back to my old life I had before I met Gerald, or maybe I will die of a broken heart. I do not know. I know he loved me, even only for a little while but those few months were the best I have ever had and I thank him for that. I hope he will flourish in the world and maybe the small part of me that I gave him will too.

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